Try going through the test, the questionaire, which is the first link below. Then follow the other links for helps and information on making a marriage succeed.

Drop me an e-mail if I can answer questions or offer suggestions.

• Things you as a husband may do to hurt your wife
• How open is your wife's spirit?
• Reopening Your Wife's Spirit
• Miscellaneous Comments On What Marriage Should Be
• Verses about Husbands
• 24 Ways To Strengthen Your Marriage
• Understanding Differences Between Men and Women

Things you as a husband may do to hurt your wife

Rate yourself from 1 to 5 on each item. Sit down with your wife, and discuss her view of the trouble areas. Remember that perception is reality -- she's the one hurt.

With your wife, select the top 5-10. Give your wife the freedom, and make it a freedom without penalty, that if she sees one of these occurring, she can remind you. (She has to promise to do it lovingly, not with a vengeance!, and not repetitively.) Determine that when she reminds you, you won't get mad or hurt, but get repentant.

You have to want an improved marriage. Can you look in the mirror and say "Here's where the change begins!" ?

Her point-of-view

• Lacking interest in things that are special to her.
• Not valuing her opinions.
• Not valuing her interests equal to yours. Valuing your work or hobby above her interests.
• Not seeking her advice in your business decisions.
• Not giving much weight to her advice on your time or decisions. (How do you react when your wife is not comfortable with a choice you are making?)
• Making home decisions without her (for example, large purchases).
• Not giving much weight to her part of a home decision (for example, whether to move).
• Approving your need for hobbies or time away, but not giving her time for the same.
• Approving spending money on yourself, but not on her.
• Not allowing her money for women things, like getting her hair done, buying a new purse, etc.

Your speech - on you

• Breaking promises to her. This can be speech, character traits, doing things for her, letting her do things, doing things together, etc. (Deut 23:21-23, James 5:12)
• Speaking harshly with her.
• Not communicating with her. Giving few words to her. Not sharing with her.
• Giving her the feeling that you can't make mistakes.
• Never asking her to forgive you.
• Making thoughtless comments to her without regard of how it might affect her.
• Raising your voice to her.
• Purposely not speaking to her for a period of time.
• Not being honest with her. Can she trust you?

Your speech - on her

• Speaking carelessly to her.
• Lecturing or giving solutions when all she needs is support.
• Not being sensitive to her trials she went through or is going through.
• Not allowing her to vent or talk without interrupting or correcting her.
• Never saying "I love you."
• Not sensitive to her feelings. Not paying attention to how she feels.
• Never saying "thank you."
• Not complementing her regularly, especially on things that matter most to her.
• Mentioning something you dislike long after it's been there, like a hairdo, a dress, etc. She'll wonder what other secret dislikes you have.

Your speech - on her actions

• Criticizing her unjustly.
• Complaining about something excessively. Bringing something up until it hurts.
• If you complain, not helping her come up with solutions to correct it.
• Bringing up old mistakes that you have "forgiven."
• Not being gentle when pointing out her weaknesses or mistakes.
• Being quick to blame her. (For example, who lost the keys?)
• Not noticing her or the things she does.
• Not commenting on her or things she does.
• Not praising her for who she is and things she does.
• Not making a fuss over her special accomplishments.
• Tearing down things she does. Mocking or making fun of things she does.
• When correcting her, not combining it with complements.
• Insulting her.
• Not knowing her hopes, dreams. Not allowing her to fulfill these.
• Cursing at her.
• Telling her the right way to do things (i.e., implying she does things wrong).
• Bossing her around. Commanding her to do things. Treating her like a servant.

Your actions

• Not working to help her mature in Christ (Eph 5:25-27). Not being the spiritual leader in the house. (Who is the one who makes sure the family is in church?)
• Not praying regularly alone with her.
• Not praying regularly for her.
• Not spending time alone with her.
• Being rough with her. Not sensitive to her as the "weaker vessel." (1 Peter 3:7)
• Not paying attention to her needs. Not taking care of her needs.
• Not feeding her "love language" (1-doing things for her, 2-physical affection, 3-gift giving,
• 4-encouraging words, 5-quality time).
• Not enjoying her presence.
• Never showing physical affection except for sex. Not touching her tenderly or hugging her.
• Not being consistent. Excusing wrong things because you've done some right things.
• Taking her for granted, especially with the work she does with meals, the house, kids, etc.
• Regularly late (compared to what time you told her), especially when coming home from work. Fails to call her when late.
• Not keeping her informed. Making plans without talking to her.
• Getting angry with her.
• Being abrupt or harsh with her.
• Being physical with her in your anger.
• Not accepting fault. Not asking for her forgiveness.
• Not leading by example. Expecting more from her than from yourself. Using different rules on yourself.
• Not talking to her during the day from work. Being short or abrupt if you do.
• Not sharing with her troubles you are dealing with.
• Being impatient with her.
• Going away when she is crying.
• Not spending time to listen to her.
• Don't work on improving your relationship with her. Don't spend time thinking about what to do for her. Working hard at work and not your relationship.
• Not listening to her. Doing other things while barely listening. Interrupting when you have the time and she needs to talk.
• Being too busy to care for her or meet her needs. Being too busy when she needs it.
• Not being pleasant when you arrive home from work. Not going directly to her when you arrive home. Going off by yourself. Not sharing your day with her.
• Not showing her you approve of her and are satisfied with her. Not showing her she is special to you.
• Liking her primarily for her physical looks or abilities, and not what's inside her.
• Complaining about things she can't change.
• Pressuring her to be something she isn't. (For example, do you complain of her looks? Do you tease her about her weight? her intelligence? etc.)
• Comparing her unfavorably to other women.
• Being a womanizer. Paying undo attention to other women. Talking too much about qualities in other women.
• Spending time looking at other women (on the streets, on TV, movies, magazines, etc.).
• Spending time thinking about other women.
• Allowing other women to flirt with you without discouraging it.
• Spending time with other women. Going to lunches with a woman.
• Not being accountable to another man to protect from temptations from the opposite sex.
• Not making her feel she's the most important thing in your life (besides God). Meeting others needs while neglecting hers. Meeting other needs while neglecting her (i.e., things).
• Requiring things from her in order to do things for her. Running a 50-50 marriage (instead of always trying to give without requirements, i.e., a 100-100 marriage).
• Not romancing her. (It wasn't so hard when you were dating, was it?). Not being devoted to her, doing special little things for her. Not continuing to pursue her.
• Not celebrating special days (anniversary, birthday, Mother's Day, etc.). Celebrating them with no ingenuity or effort.
• Not dating her regularly.
• Not laughing with her. Not playing together. Not enjoying her presence.
• Requiring sex from her. Not being unselfish during sex. Not waiting for the right timing. Being too demanding. Not setting the mood (all day!). Only complementing with alterier motives. Not understanding her different point-of-view. During sex, not showing she fulfills you completely. Turning off the charm and warmth after sex.
• Not spending time to talk to her, especially about things that matter. Not being her companion and friend.
• Not having a good opinion about yourself. Not appreciating who you are.
• Failing to be the leader. Requiring her to take charge in certain areas because you haven't. (Eph 5:25)
• Failing to be her protector. Not giving her comfort to know you will stand up for her when it's needed.
• Failing to sacrifice for her (to the same level that Christ did to the church -- Eph 5:25). Failing to make an effort to do things at home, to help her around the house. Makes excuses to avoid work.
• Failure to make her feel secure that you will always be there for her, regardless. Even though you married her for her qualities, she may feel if she's lost something, you may not feel the same.

With others

• Allowing others to put her down without standing up for her.
• Teasing her without sensitivity. Making fun of her in front of others.
• Not introducing her when you meet people.
• Ignoring her or keeping her out of conversations with others.
• In public, correcting her stories as she tells them, especially the small details.
• Criticizing her in public.
• Arguing with her in public.
• Revealing private matters in public.

How open is your wife's spirit?

Test yourself to see how open is your wife's spirit. Rate yourself, from 1-5 on each question, where 1 is never, and 5 is always.

• Does she enjoy being with me alone?
• Do we date regularly?
• Does she enjoy small physical affections, like holding hands, hugs, kisses, soft touches, etc.?
• Does she ever initiate small physical affections, like before or after work, after dinner, or on dates?
• Does she respect what I respect or value in life?
• Do I respect what she respects or values in life?
• Do you uplift each other in private and in public?
• Do we enjoy the same friends?
• Do we enjoy the same activities?
• Do we enjoy talking with each other?
• Can we share feelings with each other?
• Do we listen to each other?
• Do we value each others opinions?
• Do we enjoy going places together?
• Does my wife have a warm affection for me?
• Does my wife enjoy looking into my eyes?

Reopening Your Wife's Spirit

Listed are the steps needed to reopen your wife's spirit if it has been closed, whether closed temporarily, or hardened over a period of time.

• Become tenderhearted
  Gentleness has a way of melting anger. Our body language must become soft, gentle, and caring. By doing this we are saying:
  
  • She is valuable and important.
  • I do not want her spirit closed; I care for her.
  • I know something is wrong. I acknowledge an offense has taken place and will slow down to correct it.
  • I am willing to listen. It is safe to share why she is angry or hurt.
• Increase understanding
  Increase understanding of the pain she feels, and how she has interpreted my offensive behavior. Perception is reality.
  It is important that she sees me really understanding how she feels. It may take a "cooling off" period for both of you before she can open up.
  Allow her to voice her pain. It may help to have her write a letter to you describing the pain.
• Recognize the offense
  Admit you were wrong. It may be that what we did was not wrong, but how we did it -- our attitude was wrong. Don't brush off her hurt feelings because you feel she is too sensitive. Find out how and where you have hurt her.
• Attempt to tenderly touch
  She has a need to be tenderly touched.
  This will show if her spirit is opening or still closed. Touch, even if you have not regularly been a touching person with her.
• Seek forgiveness
  Determine how deep the hurt is. She may have to see a real change in you before she can forgive. Don't drop the issue.
  Determine how you will improve in this area.
  If needed, start over again with #1, and go through the steps again. Pay attention to non-verbal signals.
  If needed, back off for a while and try again later.

Thoughts

• Sad are the women whose men are too weak, too careless, too preoccupied, too much at the office, or too something else to be the strong male figure at the head of the house.
• There probably isn't a woman in the world who would flatly reject any suggestion that might solidify her relationship with the man she loves.
• If you give her a lovely idea of herself, that's what she will try to become. She will move up or down, depending on the image you give her. Repetition on TV works -- so will this.
• That's how God made women. They'll do anything in the world for you if you put them at ease about their faults; build up their strong points; and reach that high level of kindness which seems to say "The blend is what I like. I love you for what you are in toto!"
• There are not many questions more important than this: "Am I willing to train myself away from selfishness toward the point where I honestly care how the other person feels?"
• This is a fact you can count on: A wife is much more willing to face what is her fault if her husband has shown that he is willing to assume what is his responsibility.
• One sure mark of the "take charge" man worthy of his position is the greatness of soul that can look in the mirror and say "Here's where we begin!"
• One phrase that rings a bell in your wife's heart: "I couldn't have done it without you!" This can't miss because the female has an innate longing to be of worth to the male.
• "I love your praise, but the truth is I have faults. Therefore, since I respect your judgment I am asking for your help in making me a better man."
• When she offers various items for your improvement, train yourself to make the first work of reply "Thank you!" Then, once you've determine you won't pout or retaliate, add "I didn't know I was doing that. You and I make a great team!" The word "team" is a sure winner.
• Couples do not consider separation if they felt there was any improvement going on between them.
• If you lead by receiving graciously what she has to offer and thank her for it, one day she'll turn the whole thing around and ask you to help her.
• Nothing turns a woman on quite like knowing that she turns you on, if you find her exciting.
• A marriage is only as good as what happens in public. If a man misses this, he's missing one of the best bets the Lord ever gave a man to make his wife utterly and totally in love with her husband. Make sure she feels first class with you in public.
• Whenever you buy a gift for her, let her tell you how nice the gift is, while you tell her how nice sheis.

Verses about Husbands

Deuteronomy 24:5 "When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out with the army, nor be charged with any duty; he shall be free at home one year and shall give happiness to his wife whom he has taken.

Psalms 127:1 Unless the LORD builds the house, They labor in vain who build it...

Psalms 128:3 Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine, Within your house, Your children like olive plants Around your table.
Psalms 128:4 Behold, for thus shall the man be blessed Who fears the LORD.

Proverbs 5:18 Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice in the wife of your youth.
Proverbs 5:19 As a loving hind and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love.

Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD.

Ecclesiastes 9:9 Enjoy life with the woman whom you love all the days of your fleeting life which He has given to you under the sun; for this is your reward in life, and in your toil in which you have labored under the sun.

Ephesians 5:22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
Ephesians 5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.
Ephesians 5:24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her;
Ephesians 5:26 that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
Ephesians 5:27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless.
Ephesians 5:28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;
Ephesians 5:29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,
Ephesians 5:30 because we are members of His body.

Colossians 3:19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be embittered against them.

1 Peter 3:7 You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.