Understanding Differences Between Men and Women

From the book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, by John Gray

This is a summary of concepts drawn from the book.  In the following table, information in the left column applies to men, and information in the right column applies to women.  When the columns are joined, it applies to both.

Martians (men)

Venusians (Women)

 

Chapters 1, 2 - differences between men and women

·         Men value power, competency, efficiency, and achievement.

·         He needs to prove themselves.

·         Men are continually working to develop their power and skills.

·         They are concerned with objects and things.

·         Men need to achieve goals.

·         A man needs to do it by himself.  Autonomy is a symbol of efficiency, power, and competence.

·         They don’t like being told what to do.

·         They keep problems to themselves unless they need help (but asking for help is weakness).

·         They are honored when others seek their advice – it’s a sign of wisdom.

·         When she shares problems, mistakenly he thinks solutions are what she needs.

·         Offering help to man can make him feel incompetent and weak.

·         If something is working, leave it alone.

·        A man wants to make improvements when he feels he is being approached as the solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself.

·         Women are concerned with people and feelings.

·         Women need listening to, closeness, not solutions.

·         She gets value from the quality of her relationships.

·         She is comfortable with offering help or needing help.

·         If something is working, it can be improved.

 

Chapter 3 - coping with stress

·         When stressed, he becomes focused and withdrawn.

·         He feels better by solving problems.

·         He won’t talk about a problem unless it’s necessary to solve it; he withdraws to the cave.

·         If the problem can’t be solved, he disengages from the problem by reading or playing a game.

·         The greater the stress, the more extreme the task to disengage it (like competing, physical exertion).

·         Once disengaged, he can focus on relationships again.

·         He becomes distant, disengages, forgetful; he loses awareness of things around him.

·         If he solves the problem, he opens up and can be involved in relationships again.

·         He focuses on one problem; he puts the others aside.

·         Men talk about problem for 2 reasons, either to blame someone or to get advice.

·         Men get frustrated when a woman talks about problems he can’t fix.

·         Withdrawing doesn’t mean he doesn’t care, he just needs to work on the problem.

·         When stressed, she becomes overwhelmed and emotionally involved.

·         She feels better by talking about the problems.

·         She focuses on all problems together; she feels overwhelmed.

·         She may relieve pain by focusing on the problems of others.

·         She may discuss problems in great detail, even though the details aren’t important.

·         She does not discuss problems in a logical order.

·         Vocalizing problems to a husband is not an attack, just a need to talk about them.

 

Chapter 4 - motivating the opposite sex

·         The
Healing Process – Setting and Respecting Limits

.           1.     Motivation

·         To get rid of resentment, the husband needs to listen to the wife share her feelings.  This may take several meetings.  This will motivate her to work on their relationship.

.           2.     Responsibility

·         Each needs to take responsibility, him for not supporting or respecting her, her for not setting boundaries on how much she should give.  This will teach them how to support each other.

3.     Practice

·         Vocalize your needs.  Allow her to set limits of what he demands of her.

·         She needs to practice setting limits; he needs to practice respecting her limits.  Be allowed to make mistakes.

·         Men are motivated when they feel needed; he needs to feel trusted and appreciated.

·         He has a win/lose attitude; he wants to win, and wants the others to lose – this changes with love.

·         He needs to know he is making a positive difference in someone else’s life.

·         Men are motivated by being needed, but may be turned off by neediness.

·         His deepest fear is that he is not good enough; he grew up with everyone wanting him to do better.

·         He appears most uncaring when he is afraid or insecure.

·         He is afraid of giving; this means risking failure or disapproval.

·         He wants to be her hero; her talking about problems makes him feel like a failure.

·         Women are motivated when they feel cherished; she needs to feel cared for and respected.

·         Women want men to take care of and provide for them.

·         She needs someone who cares.

·         She needs to relax and be taken care of, to take a break from giving.

·         Women have a lose/win philosophy; they give so others can win.

·         Rejection is most painful because she feels she is not worthy of receiving more or of being loved.

·         When needing support, she may unknowingly push it away.

·         She may assume it is her needs that turn him off, but it is her desperation or mistrust.

·         Sometimes by the wife giving less, this makes the man give more, and balances the relationship.

 

 

Chapter 5 - speaking different languages

·         When men and women are on the verge of arguing, they are generally misunderstanding each other.  They need a translation.

·         Both can make little changes without sacrificing who they are.  In fact, you generally should avoid making big changes.

·         He takes all conversation literally, looking at the facts, especially when women generalize.

·         He sees doing things without support as a good thing.

·         He needs her to say “I trust you can do it, and trust you will ask if you need help.”

·         He needs to feel secure before he will open up.

·         He will ask for advice when he sees he can’t do it alone.  If he gets help before this point, it bothers him, he feels weak.  It may be an insult.

·         He needs to show caring to his wife.

·         When he goes into his cave, he’s saying give me some time, I’ll be back.

·         He should not feel blame when the woman is upset.  He needs to listen to her, instead of taking it personally.

·         She uses generalizations, like “always”, “never”, “nothing”, “no one”, “everyone”.

·         She feels that a supportive relationship is a good thing.

·         She can support the man without offering advice.  Sometimes all he needs is support.  She needs to learn how to share her feelings without offering advice.

·         She needs reassurance.

·         She needs to show trust to him.

·         She needs to reassure him with “It’s not your fault.”  If she is blaming him, share with someone else, then go talk to him to share her feelings.

 

Chapter 6 - men are rubber bands

·         He is a like a rubber band.  He needs to pull away before he can get closer.

·         Men at max distance will spring back with strength.  This is by instinct, not by decision.

·         Sometimes he is not comfortable with intimacy (depending on where the rubber band is currently stretched).

·         He needs to learn to listen.

·         When a man never gets a chance to pull away, he becomes distant, irritable.

·         He should not feel guilty for needing time alone.

·         When a man feels punished for pulling away, he will avoid it, but becomes irritable.

·         She needs to allow a man to pull away.  The more she gets closer too early, he hasn’t got his needed distance, so he pulls farther away.

·         When he has pulled away, and returns, he expects her to be open, but she will need time to develop again the same level of intimacy.

·         Don’t talk when he is pulling away.  Wait for him to come back.

·         When he rebounds, don’t expect him to talk, be open, right away.  Start talking, then he will start to open up.  But don’t demand him to talk.

·         She needs to learn to share her feelings without requiring him to.  Appreciate his silence.

 

Chapter 7 - women are waves

·         He may feel fault for her low moods.

·         When she is low, he needs to not try to fix it.  Don’t solve, but support.  He needs to allow her to bottom out, but be with her as she goes down.

·         His support and listening may actually help her go down more, which is really helping her to hit bottom so she can come up again.

·         When she is up, expect the wave – she will go down again.  Don’t think that the “problem” has been “solved”.

·         A man’s support cannot instantly solve her problems.

·         She lives in waves, being up and confident, then down, into darkness and low self-esteem.

·         She goes through waves of being able to give, then needing support.

·         Her self-esteem rises and falls.  Her ability to give or receive love is an indication of where in the wave she is.

·         If she’s not allowed to go into her well, she will learn to suppress her feelings, and become cold, angry, and avoid him.

·         She needs friends, to have other sources of support.  This is for when she is down and he is in his cave and can’t listen without becoming frustrated.

·         When a woman is successful, people don’t allow her to be upset or down.  But she still has waves.  All women need permission to be down or upset.  When down, caring and understanding is needed most, not success.

 

Chapter 8 - emotional needs

·         Men give in relationships what men want, and women give in relationships what women want.  Each mistakenly assumes the other has the same needs and desires.

·         Both feel they give and give but don’t get back.

·         He should not minimize the importance of her problems, e.g. “It’s no big deal”.

·         When he lets her go into her “cave” (as he sees it), she feels unloved, ignored.

 

·         How Men Need to Receive Love (primarily)

·         Trust (she believes he is doing his best and that he wants the best for her; she believes he can do it on his own)

·         Acceptance (she trusts he can improve himself, and favorably receives him as he is)

·         Appreciation (she makes him know his efforts are not wasted; no complaints)

·         Admiration (she regards him with wonder, delight, pleasant approval, happily amazed as his uniqueness and talents)

·         Approval (he wants to be her hero or knight in shining armor; she is satisfied with him; he wants to succeed in taking care of her)

·         Encouragement (she expresses confidence in his abilities and character; she expresses confidence he can do things on his own)

·         How Women Need to Receive Love (primarily)

·         Caring (she needs heart-felt concern; he should ask questions showing interest and concern)

·         Understanding (he doesn’t presume to already know her, but gathers meaning from what he hears from her; he understands without offering advice)

·         Respect (he considers her thoughts, needs, feelings; he listens without anger)

·         Devotion (she needs to feel adored and special, seeing him make her more important than his own interests)

·         Validation (he accepts her feelings as valid; he doesn’t try to explain her feelings)

·         Reassurance (she needs to know she is continually loved by seeing the above take place, again and again; he listens and responds)

·         As each partner works on giving the love needed by the other, they will naturally receive more of the love they need.

·         If each is giving the wrong kind of love, each feels like they are giving a lot, but are not getting love in return.  Neither gets what they want or need.

·         The primary way he can give to her is to listen to her.

·         Don’t blame her if you get angry – you don’t understand her point of view.

·         Feelings may not make sense, but are still valid.

·         Anger may come from not knowing the solution – that’s okay – she probably does not need solutions.

·         You don’t have to agree.  You can try to rephrase how she feels back to her.

·         You can let her know you don’t understand but want to.

·         You are not responsible for how she feels.  She needs to be understood.  After understanding, you can explain or apologize.

·         If she mistrusts you, she is afraid of getting hurt; she needs your compassion. Make it safe to express her feelings.

·         She needs to empower him to be all he can be.

·         Trying to improve him actually weakens and hurts him.  He will feel controlled and unloved.  He will resist her efforts.  He resists change not because he doesn’t want to, but because he feels unloved.  To improve he needs to feel loved.

·         “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” – if she tries to improve him, she thinks he is  “broke”.  He needs to feel accepted despite his imperfections.

·         How she can give up trying to change a man:

·         If he is upset, show some concern, but not too much, unless he wants to talk about it.

·         Trust him to grow; don’t try to improve him.  Share how you feel without demands.

·         Be patient – don’t offer advice unless asked.

·         A man becomes stubborn when he feels unloved – show him he doesn’t have to be perfect to receive your love; forgive him.

·         Don’t sacrifice expecting him to do the same; do some things for yourself.

·         When sharing her feelings, let him know it’s not to change him, just to show how she feels.

·         Make his feelings more important than your desire for his perfection.

 

Chapter 9 - avoid arguments

·         As a basic guideline, never argue.

·         The disagreements usually don’t matter – the hurt comes with how it is communicated.  Most people refuse to look at their partner’s point of view because of how it is presented.

·         Unless a person feels respected, taking the other’s point of view diminishes self esteem.

·         He mistakenly assumes she’s resisting his point of view, when it’s really his presentation.  Then he will explain why she should not be upset.

·         He does not realize how much he is hurting her because he is not so vulnerable.

·         A women will show mistrust and rejection, which hurts the man.  She will give him unsolicited advice.

·         Short term gains, long term pain.  Stances we take in arguments to avoid hurt:

1.        Fight.  This is usually from men.  Men attack, intimidate.  Both close up and stop caring.

2.        Flight.  Men go to their cave and never come out.  They refuse to talk.  Resentments build, and warm feelings are lost.

3.        Fake.  She may pretend there is not problem.  Resentment builds, because they are always giving and not receiving.

4.        Fold.  She will take the blame.  She may become depressed, and truly think she is the problem.  She has denied herself.  She avoids rejection.

·         Disagreements turn into painful arguments for only one reason – not feeling loved.

·         When a woman doesn’t like something he has done, he takes it that she doesn’t like him.

·         The secret reasons men argue:

·         He feels rejected, unaccepted.  He feels she is trying to improve him.  He feels like a failure.

·         Instead of being admired, he feels put down.

·         He feels like giving up, feels like her problems are because of him.  He feels blamed.

·         He feels unappreciated, and powerless to fix things.

·         He does not feel trusted.

·         He feels he cannot satisfy her.  He does not feel accepted.

·         When he upsets her, he needs to understand why she is upset, not get angry that she is upset.  He needs to show he cares.  He should first listen, then understand, then apologize if needed.  Men rarely say “I’m sorry”.

·         He needs to validate her feelings.  This is usually how men start arguments.  Men don’t realize how often they invalidate her feelings.  Even “Don’t worry about it” hurts.  Or, he may offer a solution (by instinct).

·         Don’t explain why she shouldn’t be upset, even though this is how a man reacts by instinct.

·         If he upsets her, the best he can do is to listen to how she feels without justifying his actions.  He can ask “Are you angry with me?” and allow her to talk without making her wrong for being angry.

·         He can say “I understand it hurts.  Let’s talk about it.”  “I’m sorry.”

·         “Let’s start this over.  This time we’ll do better.”

·         Explain or justify later, when the emotions have died down.

·         The secret reasons women argue:

·         She feels judged, ignored.

·         She does not feel her feelings are being valued.

·         She needs to feel important, at the top of his priorities.

·         She needs to be respected, valued, appreciated.

·         She needs to feel safe to be herself.  She needs to know he accepts her without her being perfect, without judging her.

·         She feels pushed down, bullied.

·         She is not understood, not listened to, feels unloved.

·         She is not allowed to express her feelings.

·         She needs to express her feelings without showing disapproval of him.

·         To avoid an argument, she needs to be direct in her feelings.  She unknowingly gives statements of disapproval, mostly by not being direct.

·         Instead of “How can you be so late?” she should share how it bothered her that he was late.

·         She forgets at how significant approval is to men.  She can disagree with the behavior but still approve of him.

·         She needs to find loving intention or goodness behind his wrong behavior.

·         When a man makes a mistake (like forgetting something), she doesn’t realize how sensitive he feels – this is when he needs her love most.  And this is when he is most prone to argue.  Her withdrawing approval causes him extreme pain.

·         When he makes a mistake, she should share how she feels, how it bothers her, not how wrong he was. She does not need to remind him about it if he knows.

·         A man responds best to short and direct statements.  Lectures or questions are counterproductive.

·         She can say “Would you listen to me for awhile?  It will help me feel better.”  (Men need lots of encouragement to listen.)

·         In a disagreement, take some time when you are not upset to discuss what each other needs.

·         Remember that no matter what words you choose in a disagreement, it’s how you say them that counts most.

 

Chapter 10 - scoring points

·         He keeps score by the size of the gift.  He thinks making more money is a better gift.  It’s not for her – it only counts as one point.

·         He feels the little things aren’t important compared to the big things.

·         Men work hard to be admired and respected.  He can receive this from her without doing huge things at work.

·         If she feels the score is uneven, she may have a difficult time showing appreciation.  She feels unloved and unimportant.  She becomes resentful, and he stops giving.

·         She needs to feel supported.

·         Realize if she is resentful she will need to receive for awhile before she can give again.  Allow her to take a break from giving.

·         She keeps score by the number of gifts.  Size doesn’t matter.  Small gifts are equal to big gifts.  The high income or large vacation are each only one point.

·         Little things are very important to a woman.  They are of equal importance as the big things.  That is why success at his work is not all-satisfying to her.

·         Women need many expressions of love to feel loved.

·         She needs to let him know she appreciates the things he does for her.  He needs to know it makes a difference.  She needs to realize how important this is to him.

·         If she feels the score is uneven, she needs to give him another chance.  Let him pamper her – she needs to give value to his attempts.  Let him even up the score.

·         Why a man stops giving:

·         Man considers the hard work at the office 50 points, but a woman sees it as one point.  He feels the score is even.

·         A man stops giving when he feels the score is even.  A woman will give far past what she feels is even (she starts out not even keeping score).  He sees she’s still smiling, and assumes the score is even.

·         A man offers help when asked.  A woman may not ask for his help, waiting for him to offer it, which doesn’t happen.  A man may see a need to help, but not know what to do.

·         Women will help when asked, even if the score is uneven.  She will not notice unless the score becomes too unbalanced, then she will have resentment.

·         Men give penalty points.  If a woman is negative, he will remove points she’s earned.  He must realize that punishment does not work.  The more he feels loved, the less penalty points he will take.

·         Doing a lot of little things for her fulfills her primary need.

·         A man may give more penalty points if he makes a mistake and she makes him feel embarrassed or ashamed.

·         When a man makes a big mistake, he may not admit it for fear of not being forgiven.  He may get very angry at her.  She needs to lie low, and support instead of blame him (after the anger subsides).

·         A man gives points when he feels loved.  A woman love has power – it is much more important than doing things for him.  This can be done by showing appreciation, what men primarily need.

·         They both need to realize the amount she can give depends on where in the wave she currently is.

·         Attached at the bottom, see “101 To Score Points With a Woman” and “How Women Can Score Big With Men”.

 

Chapter 11 - communicating difficult feelings

·         Each person needs to remember how hurtful a negative attitude is to their partner.

·         Remember that your partner is really trying – they just don’t always succeed in the way we’d like them to.

·         When you have negative attitudes, write your partner a letter.  Let’s call this a Love Letter. This allows you to listen to your own feelings without hurting your partner.  This changes your attitude.  It helps you to actually see how you sound to the other person.

·         You may or may not give the letter to your partner, depending on the circumstances.

·         If you don’t write the letter, at least form it in your mind.

·         Writing a letter may inspire you to do something loving for your partner.

·         >>> In the letter, describe how you feel in each of these:  anger, sadness, fear, regret, then love.  Make sure to include all fives parts, in that order, or you may not reveal the complete truth, and may not come to a resolution of your feelings.

·         Write a P.S. describing what you’d like to hear from your partner.  This part could be a separate letter.

·         When the partner responds as requested in the P.S., even if it sounds insincere, allow it to work.  Your partner may fear how you will respond.  Plus, with practice it will become real, once they see how you respond to their efforts.

·         Sharing letters needs to be a safe time.  If you can’t when reading one, go write one of your own.

·         Sharing letters is scary – you are being vulnerable.  Rejection can be even more painful.

·         If you don’t have much time, each part of the letter can be short like one sentence.

·         You can also write these letters to children, parents, business partners (showing respect and appreciation instead of love), etc.

·         By listening to and discovering our inner negative emotions, they will gradually loosen their grip.

·         Through these letters we can discovered where we need love the most.  Our society is filled with distractions to assist in avoiding pain.  This can help to discover pain and heal it.

·         These letters can be written and saved in privacy just to help you discover and think through your emotions. But the best healing is when you show them to your spouse and you both work through the emotions.

 

Chapter 12 - asking for and getting support from your partner

·         If you are not getting support from your spouse, either you aren’t asking enough or aren’t asking in the right way.

·         The comments in this chapter are written to women, because by their nature they offer support without being asked.

·         Women don’t ask for support because they mistakenly think men should and can intuitively feel their needs and will give what they can.   She may purposely not ask, to test if he loves her.  This doesn’t work.  He assumes he is giving enough because she doesn’t say anything and keeps giving herself.

·         She feels “If I have to ask, it doesn’t count.”

·         Usually by the time women ask for support they have given beyond their share, and ask with demands and resentment.  Men will react against this – he may even give less.

·         Step 1: asking correctly for what you are already getting

·         Become aware of what your partner is already doing for you.

·         Ask him for the little things he already does, and do not take him for granted.  This gets him used to hearing her asking for things (in a nondemanding tone).

·         When he does these, give him a lot of appreciation.

·         Give up expecting him to offer his support without her asking.

·         If she asks in a demanding tone, all he hears is that he’s not giving enough, and will give even less.  If he is appreciated, he will do more – this is what motivates him.

·         A man is more generous when he feels he doesn’t have to give.

·         How to correctly ask a man for support (without turning him off):

·         Appropriate timing -- Don’t ask if he is about to do it anyway, or if he is concentrating on something else.

·         Nondemanding attitude – don’t ask with resentment.

·         Be brief.  Assume he doesn’t have to be convinced.  He doesn’t want to hear a list of reasons, even if he asks “Why?”

·         Be direct.  Don’t imply or ask indirectly.  A man will resist indirect requests (without even knowing why).  Don’t ask by third person, e.g. “This needs to be done.”  Say “Would you do this?”  Say “Would you take me out?” instead of “We haven’t gone out.”  Say “Would you schedule time for me?” instead of “We need to talk.”

·         Use correct wording.  Use “Would…” and “Will…” instead of “Can…” or “Could…”  W… means he has a choice, and will be nice by doing it.  C… means he is being asked if he is capable, and “yes” doesn’t mean he’ll do it.  He feels controlled, demanded.  (Compare to “Could you marry me?”)

·         When a man complains about nagging, he really means he doesn’t like the way he was asked.

·         Step 2 : practice asking for more (even when he may say no)

·         Before you start this, make sure he feels appreciated for what he is currently doing, that he feels love in your presence.  If he feels he doesn’t have to do more to get love, he will want to do more.  At this point you can ask for more without giving the message he is not good enough.

·         If he says no, do not penalize him or change how your love is expressed towards him.  Do not be afraid to ask, even if he will say no.  He will give you 5-10 points for accepting no in a loving way.  Just simply say “OK” or “no problem”.

·         He will be much more willing to give next time if he says no and it is graciously received.

·         A healthy relationship is where either partner can ask for things and are still accepted even if they say no.

 

·         Step 3 : practice assertive asking

·         Once she is comfortable with step 2, she can do this.  To do this, she remains silent after asking (the Pregnant Pause).  If he grumbles, he is weighing the request against his needs.  He is usually willing to help, but may be focused on something else.

·         When he grumbles he is usually in the process of saying yes.  Don’t take the grumbles personally, or reject him.   When he grumbles, he is stretching;  if he is not in shape (i.e. has not yet handled steps 1 and 2), he can’t.

·         If he has stretched and said yes, make sure to show appreciation.  If you do, he will more easily say yes next time (otherwise he may be more reluctant).

·         If he asks her a rhetorical question (e.g. “Why can’t you do it?”), she should continue to remain silent.  If he asks valid questions, she should be short on the response, and then she may ask again.

·         She needs to continue practicing steps 1 and 2.

·         Men are sensitive because they have a need to be accepted just the way they are.  That is why they rebel against her wishes to change him – it says he is not good enough.

·         Men are happiest when they feel they are fulfilling the people they care about.

 

Chapter 13 - keeping the magic of love alive

·         Love often brings out unresolved feelings from your past, which may show up by being irritable, defensive, demanding, or angry.  It is as if they have come up to be healed.  Things that normally would not be a big deal hurt a lot.

·         When a man’s past comes up, he will head for the cave. When a woman’s past comes up, her self-esteem crashes.

·         When we get upset, 90% of it is related to out past and has nothing to do with the current circumstance.

·         When writing a Love Letter, feelings from the past may come out.  Instead of going to your spouse with the letter, you may need to go to your parents or siblings with it.

·         As you write Love Letters you’ll discover that usually you are not upset for the same reason you originally thought you were.  By understanding the deeper reasons, it helps the negativity to disappear.

·         Good relationships are hard work, but your love will build into a mature love that  understands and works with each other’s imperfections.  You can enjoy the love you’ve helped build.

·         Know that your loving relationship will have its seasons.  Be patient when you have times of struggle, for the Spring is right around the corner.  It is always darkest before the dawn.  Sometimes love is easy, and sometimes difficult.  Remembering this will help.

·         Remember how different men and women are.

 

101 WAYS TO SCORE POINTS WITH A WOMAN

 

1.       Upon returning home find her first before doing anything else and give her a hug.

2.       Ask her specific questions about her day that indicate an awareness of what she was planning to do (e.g., "How did your appointment with the doctor go?").

3.       Practice listening and asking questions.

4.       Resist the temptation to solve her problems -- ­empathize instead.

5.       Give her twenty minutes of unsolicited, quality attention (don't-read the newspaper or be distracted by anything else during this time).

6.       Bring her cut flowers as a surprise as well as on special occasions.

7.       Plan a date several days in advance, rather than waiting for Friday night and asking her what she wants to do.

8.       If she generally makes dinner or if it is her turn and she seems tired or really busy, offer to make dinner.

9.       Compliment her on how she looks.

10.     Validate her feelings when she is upset.

11.     Offer to help her when she is tired.

12.     Schedule extra time when traveling so that she doesn't have to rush.

13.     When you are going to be late, call her and let her know.

14.     When she asks for support, say yes or no without making her wrong for asking.

15.     Whenever her feelings have been hurt, give her some empathy and tell her "I'm sorry you feel hurt." Then be silent; let her feel your understanding of her hurt. Don't offer solutions or explanations why her hurt is not your fault.

16.     Whenever you need to pull away, let her know you will be back or that you need some time to think about things.

17.     When you've cooled off and you come back, talk about what was bothering you in a respectful, nonblaming way, so she doesn't imagine the worst.

18.     Offer to build a fire in wintertime.

19.     When she talks to you, put down the magazine or turn off the TV and give her your full attention.

20.     If she usually washes the dishes, occasionally offer to wash the dishes, especially if she is tired that day.

21.     Notice when she is upset or tired and ask what she has to do.  Then offer to help by doing a few of her "to do" items.

22.     When going out, ask if there's anything she wants you to pick up at the store, and remember to pick it up.

23.     Let her know when you are planning to take a nap or leave.

24.     Give her four hugs a day.

25.     Call her from work to ask how she is or to share something exciting or to tell her "I love you."

26.     Tell her "I love you" at least a couple of times every day.

27.     Make the bed and clean up the bedroom.

28.     If she washes your socks, turn your socks right side out so she doesn't have to.

29.     Notice when the trash is full and offer to empty it.

30.     When you are out of town, call to leave a telephone number where you can be reached, and to let her know you arrived safely.

31.     Wash her car.

32.     Wash your car and clean up the interior before a date with her.

33.     Wash before having sex or put on a cologne if she likes that.

34.     Take her side when she is upset with someone.

3S.     Offer to give her a back or neck or foot massage (or all three).

36.     Make a point of cuddling or being affectionate sometimes without being sexual.

37.     Be patient when she is sharing.  Don't look at your watch.

38.     Don’t flick the remote control to different channels when she is watching TV with you.

39.     Display affection in public.

40.     When holding hands don't let your hand go limp.

41.     Learn her favorite drinks so you can offer her a choice of the ones that you know she already likes.

42.     Suggest different restaurants for going out; don't put the burden of figuring out where to go on her.

43.     Get season tickets for the theater, symphony, opera, ballet, or some other type of performance she likes.

44.     Create occasions when you both can dress up.

45.     Be understanding when she is late or decides to change her outfit.

46.     Pay more attention to her than to others in public.

47.     Make her more important than the children.  Let the children see her getting your attention first and foremost.

48.     Buy her little presents -- like a small box of chocolates or perfume.

49.     Buy her an outfit (take a picture of your partner along with her sizes to the store and let them help you select it).

50.     Take pictures of her on special occasions.

51.     Take short romantic getaways.

52.     Let her see that you carry a picture of her in your wallet and update it from time to time.

53.     When staying in a hotel, have them prepare the room with something special like a bottle of champagne or sparkling apple juice or flowers.

54.     Write a note or make a sign on special occasions such as anniversaries and birthdays.

55.     Offer to drive the car on long trips.

56.     Drive slowly and safety, respecting her preferences.  After all, she is sitting powerless in the front seat.

57.     Notice how she is feeling and comment on it -"You look happy today" or  “You look tired" -- and then ask a question like "How was your day?"

58.     When taking her out, study in advance the directions so that she does not have to feel responsible to navigate.

59.     Take her dancing or take dancing lessons together.

60.     Surprise her with a love note or poem.

61.     Treat her in ways you did at the beginning of the relationship.

62.     Offer to fix something around the house.  Say "What needs to be fixed around here?  I have some extra time." Don't take on more than you can do.

63.     Offer to sharpen her knives in the kitchen.

64.     Buy some good Super Glue to fix things that are broken.

65.     Offer to change light bulbs as soon as they go out.

66.     Help with recycling the trash.

67.     Read out loud or cut out sections of the newspaper that would interest her.

68.     Write out neatly any phone messages you may take for her

69.     Keep the bathroom floor clean and dry it after tak­ing a shower.

70.     Open the door for her.

71.     Offer to carry the groceries.

72.     Offer to carry heavy boxes for her.

73.     On trips, handle the luggage and be responsible for packing it in the car.

74.     If she washes the dishes or it is her turn, offer to help scrub pots or other difficult tasks.

75.     Make a "to fix" list and leave it. in the kitchen.  When you have extra time do something on that list for heir.  Don't let it get too long.

76.     When she prepares a meal, compliment her cooking.

77.     When listening to her talk, use eye contact.

78.     Touch her with your hand sometimes when you talk to her.

79.     Show interest in what she does during the day, in the books she reads and the people she relates to.

80.     When listening to her, reassure her that you are inter­ested by making little noises like ah ha, uh-huh, oh, mmhuh, and hmmmm.

81.     Ask her how she is feeling.

82.     If she has been sick in some way, ask for an update. and ask how she is doing or feeling.

83.     If she is tired offer to make her some tea.

84.     Get ready to go to sleep together and get in bed at the same time.

85.     Give her a kiss and say good-bye when you leave.

86.     Laugh at her jokes and humor.

87.     Verbally say thank you when she does things for you.

88.     Notice when she gets her hair done and give a reas­suring compliment.

89.     Create special time to be alone together.

90.     Don't answer the phone at intimate moments or if she is sharing vulnerable feelings.

91.     Go bicycling together, even if it's just a short ride.

92.     Organize and prepare a picnic. (Remember to bring a picnic cloth.)

93.     If she handles the laundry, bring the clothes to the cleaners or offer to do the wash.

94.     Take her for a walk without the children.

95.     Negotiate in a manner that shows her that you want her to get what she wants and you also want what you want.  Be caring, but don't be a martyr.

96.     Let her know that you missed her when you went away.

97.     Bring home her favorite pie or dessert.

98.     If she normally shops for the food, offer to do the food shopping.

99.     Eat lightly on romantic occasions so that you don't become stuffed and tired later.

100.   Ask her to add her thoughts to this list.

101.   Leave the bathroom seat down.

 

 

HOW WOMEN CAN SCORE BIG WITH MEN

 

What happens

Points he

gives her

1.     He makes a mistake and she doesn't say "I told you so" or offer advice.

10-20

 

2.     He disappoints her and she doesn't punish him.

10-20

3.     He gets lost while driving and she doesn’t make a big deal out of it.

10-20

4.     He gets lost and she sees the good in the situation and says "We would never have seen this beautiful sunset if we had taken the most direct route."

20-30

5.     He forgets to pick up something and she. says "It's OK.  Would you do it next time you are out?"

10-20

6.     He forgets to pick up something again and she says with trusting patience and persistence "It's OK. Would you still get it?"

20-30

7.     When she has hurt him and she understands his hurt, she apolo­gizes and gives him the love he needs.                                 

10-40

8.     She asks for his support and he says no and she is not hurt by his rejection but trusts that he would if he could.  She does not reject him or disapprove of him.

10-20

9.     Another time she asks for his support and he again says no.  She does not make him feel wrong but accepts his limitations at that time.

20-30

10.   She asks for his support without being demanding when he assumes the score is somewhat even.

1-5

11.   She asks for support without being demanding when she is upset or he knows she has been giving more.

10-30

12.   When he withdraws she doesn't make him feel guilty.                    

10-20

13.   When he comes back from his cave she welcomes him and doesn't punish him or reject him.

10-20

14.   When he apologizes for a mistake and she receives it with loving acceptance and forgiveness.  The bigger the mistake he makes the more points he gives.

10-50

15.   When he asks her to do something and she says no without giving a list of reasons why she can't do it.

1-10

16.   When he asks her to do something and she says yes and stays in a good mood..

1-10

17.   When he wants to make up after a fight and starts doing little things for her and she starts appreciating him again.

10-30

18.   She is happy to see him when he gets home. 

10-20

19.   She feels disapproving and instead of expressing it she goes in another room and privately centers herself and then comes back with a more centered and loving heart.     

10-20

20.   On special occasions she overlooks his mistakes that might normally upset her.

20-40

21.   She really enjoys. having sex with him.

10-40

22.   He forgets where he put his keys and she doesn't look at him as though he was irresponsible.

10-20

23.   She is tactful or graceful in expressing her dislike or disappointment about a restaurant or movie when on a date.

10-20

24.   She doesn’t give advice when he is driving or parking the car and then appreciates him for getting them there.

10-20

25.   She asks for his support rather than dwelling on what he has done wrong.

10-20

26.   She shares her negative feelings in a centered way without blaming, rejecting, or being disapproving of him.

10-40