Forgiveness
Do you want to obey God? Do you want to do His will? Here is something God is very clear about in
Scriptures, and it is one of, if not the, most difficult tasks He ever assigns
to us. There is no greater challenge in
this world.
First, let’s look at a few
Scriptures.
Genesis 45-50 – The story of the
forgiveness Joseph shows over and over again to his brothers, without
reservation. It is a total forgiveness,
and the principles are reviewed below.
(Matthew 6:12) And forgive us our debts, As we forgive our
debtors.
(Matthew 6:14) "For if you forgive men their
trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
(Matthew 6:15) "But if you do not forgive men their
trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
(Mat 18:21) Then Peter came to Him and said, "Lord,
how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven
times?"
(Mat 18:22) Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you,
up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.
(Mark
(Mark
(Luke 23:34) Then Jesus said, "Father, forgive them,
for they do not know what they do." And they divided His garments and cast
lots.
(Eph 4:30) And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by
whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
(Eph 4:31) Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and
evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.
(Eph 4:32) And be kind to one another, tenderhearted,
forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you.
(Luke 6:37) "Judge not, and you shall not be judged.
Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
Notice forgiveness
is not an option. It is a command from God, for each one of
us. Without it, we lose God’s power and
limit His work in our lives.
Until you totally forgive, you
will be in chains.
Lack of forgiveness is a cancer of
the soul, slowly eating away at it.
It does not hurt the one who
offended. (See list of effects at the
bottom below.)
Some in pop psychology suggest
yelling venomous condemnations about the offender will help resolve the
issue. They are wrong, it only makes it
worse! It increases anger, and certainly
does not bring peace. (e.g. the divorcee on youtube.com)
Many times the
person who offended us may not have done it intentionally. And, 9 out of 10 times, they don’t even know
that they have offended you.
How to get to the place of
Total Forgiveness
1. Don’t tell anybody what they did.
We tell others to
hurt the offender, to show how bad they are, to take away their credibility.
What would be the
results, the gain? Again, it only serves
to feed the bitterness, not resolve it. (The
only exceptions are for counseling or in a court of law.)
2. Don’t let them be afraid of us, or
intimidated by us.
Jesus always put
people at ease.
It is not a war.
There is to be no
grudge, no unfinished business.
When there is a
taught rope, with 2 enemies holding each end, what happens when one of the two
lets go of the rope – it becomes loose, soft.
3. Don’t let them feel guilty.
Joseph told his
brothers not to be upset with themselves.
You cannot wait
to forgive until the offender is sorry for what they did. Again, most don’t think they have done
anything wrong. Jesus said “Father,
forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
There was no hint of repentance by them.
It takes a lot of
grace to forgive when the offender is not sorry.
But the reward is
incalculable – total peace. You may try
many other things to get peace, like prayer, reading the Word, giving,
etc. But you cannot have total peace
without this.
You have freedom
when you do it.
4. Let them save face.
Joseph said it
wasn’t you who did it, but God did it, as He intended it for our good. Joseph could have crushed them. It may have taken Joseph 13 years before he
was ready to lead Egypt, as it may have taken that long to get to Total
Forgiveness.
The offender does
not even have to know that you have been hurt.
We want to see them sorry. Don’t
even let them know there is a problem (unless they already know and need to
hear you have forgiven them.)
5. Protect them from their darkest secret and
greatest fear.
The brothers
thought that Joseph would reveal to Jacob what they had done.
In Gen 45, Joseph
writes a script for them to tell their father, preventing them from revealing
what they had done. He would not let
them tell Jacob of the wrong. He makes
sure their father will never know.
In the same way
Jesus goes before God and says look who they are, not look what they did.
6. It is a life sentence.
You have to keep
on forgiving, over and over.
It is wrong when
a spouse brings up anything that caused hurt from the past.
After the
reunion, Jacob dies 17 years later. The
brothers feared retribution (30 years after the act!), but Joseph still forgave
(Gen 50).
You will be
reminded again and again that they did not get caught, did not pay for it, did
not suffer for it the way you have.
1 Cor 13:5 (love) does not take into account a wrong
suffered (NASB)
1 Cor 13:5 (love) keeps no record of wrongs (NIV)
Why keep a
record? For your advantage, to hold
something over the person?
This teaching
would heal any marriage troubles by sundown – if both spouses stopped pointing
the finger.
But, what about
the emotional part? You cannot erase the
trauma!
-
Do it
by choice, because it is right, and God commands it, not because you feel like
it (because you won’t!)
-
Many
times the people you need forgive are those closest to you.
-
“Living
with the saints above, oh that will be glory, but living with the saints below,
now that’s another story!”
7. Pray for them.
Pray for their
needs. Pray that God will enrich them,
will bless them. Truly pray for their
best, for their benefit. Pray that God
forgives them as you work to forgive them.
What
Forgiveness is Not
1. You don’t have to approve of what they
did.
Jesus forgave the
adulterous woman, but also said don’t do it anymore.
2. Don’t make excuses for them.
Don’t say, well,
here’s why they did it.
Don’t say you
excuse them, that it’s really okay.
Don’t ignore it,
just put it out of your mind. It is not
resolved.
3. Don’t justify what they did.
God never called something
right that was evil, and doesn’t ask us to.
4. Don’t pardon them
Don’t remove them from the
consequences of what they did. E.g.
molesters still need to go to jail to protect the public, even if you have
forgiven them.
5. You can forgive without reconciling
E.g. if someone was
unfaithful or untrustworthy or hurtful, and continue to be that way. You cannot have a good relationship with
someone who has wronged you and never attempts to make it right. Things may not be the same after your
forgives as they once were. The key is
not restoration, but forgiveness, and no bitterness.
Forgiveness is not required
on both sides.
6.
Don’t deny
what they did. Don’t be in denial or
repress it.
Love may keep no record of
the wrong, but it does acknowledge there was wrong. You just tear up the record.
7. You cannot forget, and you cannot choose to forget,
because you won’t.
“Forgive and forget” is not
biblical, and really cannot happen.
The brilliance of Total
Forgiveness is you do know what they did, you know it was wrong, and yet you
have forgiven.
Our sins are not forgotten by
God, they are just remembered “against us” no more.
When RT was confronted and
told he needed to forgive, he said he can’t.
The confronter said you can and you must. RT said it was the hardest thing in his life
he has ever done.
If you have chosen to forgive,
the freedom and the peace you have will be overwhelming, shocking, wonderful.
The Lord will help you, as He
knows what has happened and what you need.
Every step we take He takes with us.
Bitterness and anger can be
the greatest weight in your life, and forgiveness can give you the greatest
peace you have ever had. This is the
peace (Philippians 4:6-7) that God gives us that the world cannot understand.
Forgiveness can be the
greatest victory you will ever experience.
Once you forgive, God now has
the freedom to work in and through you in ways that He never could before. Bitterness and anger put a damper on any work
God has been trying to do (like a governor in a race car.)
It must happen in the heart. This requires a tremendous amount of spiritual
maturity, a seeking after the will of God for you.
Some may say oh, you don’t
know how deep my hurt is. In reality the
deeper the hurt, the greater the potential for huge peace and blessings from
God when there is forgiveness.
Sometimes the person hardest
to forgive is yourself.
It is not total forgiveness
unless you do. God has forgive you, and
so you need to do the same.
Those who are hardest on
themselves are usually hardest on others.
The more we forgive
ourselves, the easier we forgive others.
Rom 8:28 – God can take
anything of the past, and make something good out of it. It does say the thing itself was good, but
God promises He can make good from it.
There was a missionary couple
who went to a country on mission. Soon
after they moved into their residence, a dove came to live there, too. One thing they discovered was that they dove
would leave when there was anger in the house, shown by slammed doors or raised
voices. When things calmed down, the
dove would return. They soon realized
they needed to alter their lives to keep this dove near, which they
enjoyed. How much this is like the
blessings of the Holy Spirit. Can you
seek God’s face and start to obey Him to keep the dove nearby?
Joseph’s forgiveness may have
been what earmarked him for greatness.
God cannot use you the way He
wants while that rests in your soul.
Joseph wasn’t ready for
greatness until he was able to forgive.
God, search my heart, and if
there be anything unclean in it, show me, and help me remove it, even when I
don’t want to!
Effects of forgiveness vs bitterness
·
The Psychological Benefit: Healing Our Mind and Emotions
o
“for as he thinks within himself, so he
is” Prov 23:7
o
People
who entertain bitter thoughts & angry attitudes toward their enemies often
become bitter & angry people.
o
They
become a hostage to their own hate. They don’t hold a grudge, it holds them.
o
Forgiveness
will free the anchor of hate that weighs you down.
·
The Physical Benefit
o
Article in the NY Times declared, “researchers have gathered a
wealth of data lately suggesting that chronic anger is so damaging to the body
that it ranks with or even exceeds- cigarette smoking, obesity, and a high-fat
diet as a powerful risk factor for early death.”
o
One study at the University of Michigan, group of women tracked for 18 yrs. was
tested to see who was harboring long-term suppressed anger. The outcome: those who suppressed anger were 3 times more
likely to have died during the study than those who didn’t have that kind of
bitter hostility.
o
Similar
study performed over 25 yrs. on males who were graduates of the medical school at
o
A woman who helped victims of German
atrocities recover after
WWII noticed an amazing phenomenon among her patients. Those who developed forgiving attitudes
toward their enemies were able to rebuild their lives despite their
injuries. But the patients who were
steeped in bitterness remained invalids.
·
The Relational Benefit
o
Hatred
writes people off; love holds out hope
o By simply dropping your end of the cord,
you’ve loosened the tension
·
The Spiritual Benefit: Being Forgiven As We Forgive Others
o
If
you are a follower of Jesus but you feel
distant from Him during this time in your life, it could be because you’re
blatantly refusing to let go of your animosity toward another person.
o
Jesus
said, “If you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your
sins.”
o
This
means that an ongoing relationship with God can become severely strained by a
refusal to extend forgiveness to those who have inflicted harm.
o
You
cannot be tightly connected with God, experience His favor in their life and at
the same time be stubbornly unforgiving toward others.
o
Matt
18:21-35 This is how my heavenly Father will treat you unless you forgive your
brother from your heart.
·
The Kingdom Benefit: Our Forgiveness Attracts Others
o
“If
you love those who love you, what reward will you get?”
o
There’s
nothing commendable about loving those who already care about us.
o
Everybody
does that. But when someone offers love to a person who has been an enemy, the world takes notice.
o
People point toward God as being the only source of motivation
for this kind of outrageous compassion.
(Most of this lesson is from 3
broadcasts on Focus on the Family, the week of May 12, 2008, when they
interviewed RT Kendall, author of “Total Forgiveness”.)